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Monthly Archives: March 2013

Time to blossom

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
—Anais Nin

For several weeks, I burrowed myself down into the dead earth of negativity. I saw the wrong in every thing, every one. I felt my soul drying up and my heart getting hard. Confession: I held onto my “everything is ok and happy” facade for a while. I think those closest to me felt the incongruity of my positive words and the negativity emanating from my very being.

I closed tightly into myself, kept the bud of my joy on lock-down. Why? I don’t know. I could list off a handful of reasons but those are just guesses. Hormones, stress, moving, fussy baby…  BLAH! Guesses? or Excuses? Doesn’t really matter. I figured it out before negativity took root too deeply or permanently. Whew!

It feels so much better to risk blossoming… to risk being happy… to risk putting good stuff into the world, not knowing where or how it will land.  Embracing life with arms wide and light shining from my eyes energizes me, quenches some unexplainable thirst.

Blossoming, embracing happiness – it’s work. But it’s honorable work. When I want to lash out, bite and sting others with my words or actions, I breathe deeply, close my eyes, take a beat. When I start the negative self talk and run anger scenarios in my mind, I shake my head and clear my brain like an etch-a-sketch. I remind myself I want to sow seeds of kindness, joy, positivity… I want this blossoming garden tended to with gentle, loving intention and attention.

Yeah, weeds will pop up now and then… because that’s just life and human nature. I’ll dispose of them as needed.

 
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Posted by on March 29, 2013 in Lessons Learned

 

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The First…

4 months old at his first campfire.

4 months old at his first campfire.

I am learning that with a baby there are many firsts… some I will capture digitally (because who has film these days?) and some I will only capture in my memory… Like the new favorite noises and faces he makes. The latest of which is scrunching up his nose, pursing and pouting out his lips and breathing in and out through his mouth hard and fast. If only I was fast enough to capture that one.
I try not to worry about all the other firsts over which I will have no control… ones that will hurt him. His first skinned knee, his first broken heart. And I wonder how I will react when he throws his first REAL tantrum, says his first swear word.
This whole mommy journey is an amazing first for me. And it is not for the faint of heart; it calls for equal measures of patience and humor. Did I mention patience?
From my son’s first breath right up to my last, we will face more “firsts” than I can imagine…I hope most are like that first campfire… Snapping and crackling with fun, memory-making warmth.

 
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Posted by on March 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

My Vows

Son, 

Before you were born … about two weeks before your birth, actually, your dad and I got married. We didn’t need a piece of paper to cement our commitment to each other because that existed in our hearts already.  I had been telling him for years that he was “stuck with me.”  I think he may finally believe me. 

In any case, I want you to know what I promised him when I married him. He deserves this promise because he is an honorable man and a good person. He is my best friend and I respect him. He’s a great dad and an example for you to follow as you grow.

I hope that you find a partner in life, someone to whom you can write your own vows….

Here’s what I said to your dad the day we wed:

…to be your best friend

…to hold your dreams as sacred as I hold my own

…to have your back at all times

…to treat you with kindness and respect, even if I am angry

…to share my feelings even if it might upset you

…to give you space when you need it

…to listen to you with an open heart and mind

…to be strong when you feel weak 

…to walk beside you, never too far in front or too far behind

…to never give up on you or us

…to love you when you feel or act unlovable

…to cut you some slack when you need it

…to accept your help when I need it

…to laugh with you every day we are together

…to believe in you

…to love you

…to trust you

…to spend the rest of your life with you

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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I Live In A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Ok, so this is not an SNL skit…and I am not Chris Farley.  And it’s not really a van. It’s a fifth-wheel RV.  And it’s not a river…more like a dry creek bed or a low spot in the earth, really.

But I am here just the same. What I call the next evolution.  My husband and I are on the hunt for our next home after having sold ours when it was buried under four feet of snow in December.  Moving day arrived yesterday and we still haven’t found our next home. So, we are on an extended camping trip…at an RV park in Western Washington.

The stories of this time in our lives will be fun to tell my son as he grows up. It will become part of the history, the lore of our family.  I can see now that those stories will be like fisherman’s stories and ‘the one that got away that was this big’ kind of stories.”Remember that time when we lived in the RV…” (*cough* I mean, in a van down by the river)?

Isn’t that part of the fun of being a family? The shared history and stories? They color our lives and mould us.  There will always be sad chapters because we can’t control things like death. But we can control how we weave that kind of loss into the overall story. Like living in an RV park… it could be a WTH kind of chapter or it could be a LOL kind of chapter. 

I am going with LOL! I mean, if you’ve seen the Chris Farley skit, who doesn’t laugh when he says: “….IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!”? 

 

 
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Posted by on March 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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FTM=First Time Mom=Always Something To Do (ASTD)

I am definitely not very savvy with the social media and texting short-hand. I think I do good to remember LOL and OMG.  BTW, when I got pg after giving up on TTC and bbt charting, I learned a whole new short-hand language.

Wow… no, that really is the word ‘wow.’  Who knew there were so many ways to speak or write/text/bulletin board post? But really, I digress from the topic: ASTD (no, not a STD …which I think is becoming known as a STI these days), which is my own way of saying that as a FTM, there is always something to do. AND it always takes longer to do anything and everything. All the moms know what I mean.  All the FTMs REALLY know what I mean.

I heard all this before my son arrived on the scene: Your life changes; You don’t just run to the store; It takes longer to get ready to go out so we just don’t…and you won’t either; Forget going to the movies, rent the video; Laundry is never done and the house never clean.

Until I had BTDT, it was hard to imagine having a nice dinner w/ some friends and leaving almost a full carafe of wine to go home and put our cranky-cuz-he-didn’t-nap-today in bed. Of course, once he was asleep, I got up and did a load of laundry.

Emptying the dishwasher can take four hours. I start. Baby cries. Has pooped the diaper and it ran out the leg elastic so his clothes AND his bedding all now need to be changed. Round up additional items to make a full load of laundry and throw it in the wash. Now baby needs to be fed. Burped. Laundry in wash is ready for dryer. Load in dryer gets moved to the bed. Wait, have to make the bed. Then move laundry then fold laundry. Baby needs changing again. What was I doing? Oh, yeah. Laundry. Fold load on the bed. Put it all away. Walking past the open dishwasher to put away kitchen towels, I whack my leg. OUCH! Oh, yeah, still need to finish putting away the dishes.

This post would have taken about 30 minutes…before I became a FTM. But now there’s ASTD.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in Uncategorized

 
 
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