These are the words I yelled today. Not at you; but you certainly witnessed it. And you’ve yelled them, too, just not today. Today it was my turn. And, of course, I did not manage myself very well in the midst of a techno-frustrated rant. Thank you for letting me apologize.
Nothing was your fault. This stupid coronavirus-Covid-19 situation has tested all of us – you, dad, and me. Like I told you today when I was holding you in my lap and apologizing, the video recordings from school are the most challenging B.S. to access. And I am stressed about you falling behind. I am worried that I am failing you…miserably…when it comes to your education. Is it enough to trust that you are smart and would easily catch up when school reconvenes (and, god, let’s hope it does in the fall)? Or, do I need to put the hammer down and try to get you up to speed on all the lessons we’ve missed? I am unsure about the answer. And I am unsure what to do about being unsure about the answer.
When we look back on this crazy, not-normal time in our shared history, I worry that all you will remember is feeling the stress of my yelling. I worry that my frustration with things beyond the control of either of us will negatively affect you – and our relationship. It hasn’t been our best few weeks, for sure.
But, we have been able to talk through all of it. When I’m upset, we talk. When you are upset, we talk. If there’s a bright spot, I think it’s that we keep talking. We keep apologizing, we keep forgiving, we keep starting over. We keep finding our way back to each other with loving hugs and wiped-away tears.
You are my heart, walking around outside my body. And it’s so scary for me. But I promise I’ll stay brave so you can keep exploring and learning and figuring out lots of stuff for yourself. I’ll stay rooted, even if the wind sways me. I’ll keep apologizing so you can keep coming back.
I love you, son.